I guess

It's not as easy as I thought it would be. I just wanted him to say it. Because if he doesn't, I can still hope. I don't want to hope. It's hope that hurts the most.

I can pretend it doesn't hurt when I'm in public, but when I get back home, alone with myself, I can't hide it. I can't hide it from me.

But then, I've been strong. Stronger than I've ever been. When it's important I can be strong. And that confuses me. Why doesn't it hurt when I begin to realize how much it hurts? The one time when I lost the one person I cared about most it wasn't painful. My heart was broken, my world was over, and I had done it to myself, but even now as I am writing this the things I want to say about how it's too hard and it doesn't make sense, and I can't understand it, become lies.

It's fine. It's OK. It doesn't really matter, because I guess I'll realize in a little while that I've learned something. So, maybe I've grown up. Maybe I'm not so self centered. Maybe it's important, somehow. I guess. OK. Alright then. Have I really said anything? No. I haven't. But, at least I feel pleasant about not having said it.